Your Identity Is No Longer You

First and foremost, do not ever ever ever feed your information willingly or unwillingly to a group of anonymous strangers. That’s how people get stalked. Let’s take a look at some of the most notorious places on the internet, among them, the anonymous internet image boards and forums. These sites can take upon a dizzying number of visitors all with different personas and motives.

On the opposite side Identities meld into one, and individuality is lost in places like these because of the lack of consequences from internet anonymity. We lose ourselves in the moment and we move like a mob on the internet.

More consequences come from semi truths. One can lie about their age, both older to younger. One can lie about gender. One can lie about just about anything. And once one starts acting in a certain way, people will expect one to act in a way. That mere expectation from internet peers is enough to cause you your identity online…

Game Dev Competition

yes, Im participating and I’d like to make this game a special one.

Most likely we’ll do some sort of idea that involves a practical strategy game, but reversed. We want to do that sort of idea but we don’t know what. I can’t go on and delve too much into it because we need to protect our secrets but we definitely need to get started. Especially Since we need to go find that business major, hopefully, with enough luck we’ll be able to pull through.

Sympathy for Mr. Sociopath, Or why’re were all ugly on the inside.

Watching American Psycho made me think. Made me think hard as I did with the Joker in The Dark Knight.

As I was watching Patrick Bateman ax the very drunk Paul Whats-his-Name in the face, a grin crept across my face. I was highly amused at this act of violence. I’m sure there are more people out there that would begin to smile at this point but then quickly catch themselves, looking from side to side at his/her friends making sure that no one else saw them.

I tried to pinpoint the reason for my amusement. And it then became painfully obvious. I was like this at one point at my life. Whenever someone angered me off I imagined them exploding, getting impaled, what have you, let your imagination run wild.

Before you start backing away from me, you left your phone in the car, oh, and that phone on the wall? I already cut the main line.

So guess what? You’re gonna have to sit here and read this

I imagine, if you opened up the 10 people most close to you-I just realized i shouldn’t be talking about “opening people up” in while talking about axes-But anyhow, if you LOOKED INTO THEIR MINDS, you’d be backing away from some of them as well, looking for the proverbial phone on the wall.

People know that people deal with emotions in sometimes ambiguous ways. Some people deal with it superficially, and quite simply in a confrontation, but some people run away and hide and they mentally die off (or perhaps they blow their own brains out). But me, and some other people, I just go off and imagine a (creative) end to my problem, and I’m fine after that, it wears off and no one’s ever to know the better unless I tell them.

Before you start running for the door, know that I have a conscience. It makes me feel bad and I listen to it from time to time. But for smaller things it doesn’t matter. For the longest time now I’ve been trying to catch a squirrel so I can play with it.

Most people who know me know me, know that I’m notorious for playing with things like insects and amphibians until they die.

Here comes the ant part. Everyone has a sociopath inside them, atleast, a partial one.

There is an explanation that states that the larger a particular living being is, and the more complex they are, and the more of an individual they are within their species, the more likely your conscience will assign the value of “F@&K, I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T KILL YOU, OR AT THE VERY LEAST DISCOMFORT YOU CUZ I’LL FEEL BAD”

For true, Serial Killer Grade Sociopathy, the individuality of a human does not have enough merit for their conscience.

I don’t think its a lack of conscience, but rather the programmed value in their brain is much too wrong. As you see, during the end of the book/movie, Patrick Bateman confesses and wants a way out.

By the time he’s killed 40 people or so, his conscience pooped out small amount of guilt, hence his confession.

For us people falling in the first standard deviation (66% of the population), most people won’t feel bad about killing an ant. You’ll see some of the kids out there taking their magnifying glasses and burning them instantly.

Can you even IMAGINE how that would be when if a giant magnifying glass came down on you, instantly broiling you to a cinder? I can and damn do I smell tasty.

But I know it aint happening so I don’t live no fear.

I’ve gotten creative with ants. I’ve made fire walls. I’ve stuck firecrackers in the dirt. I’ve poured acids and drano on them. As a kid I eletrocuted lizards and frogs, etc etc. I made games with the ants, I fed lizards to them, etc etc.

These things were my toys, to be dissassembled. I remember saying that growing up in the Phillipines, I was poor so I didn’t have many toys so I turned to insects as my playthings. I soon found it was much more enjoyable to play with things that were alive.

Its probaby why I don’t feel bad because its all a scientific experiment in my head. I’m suppose I can’t escape my mad scientist personality.

My limit to my fun stops at rodents, squirrels and undomesticated birds. After that I start to feel bad, and so on and so forth as I climb up my conscience ladder.

Strange (or not really) enough, you’ll find this behavior in people around you. Look around at hunters. They shoot things for sport. Killing things appeals to an innate thing inside your primitive brain. Why Kill things for just survival? Make It fun and addicting as well, and you’re even MORE GUARANTEED to survive. No one likes to do boring things.

One of best friends in high school told me, If was born in another century, in the right country warring, I’d be that big soldier that keeps coming back because for the love of fighting. For the Love of turmoil. You think I’m kinda crazy, but no.

Why was 300 commercially sucessful? Why are displays of “hyperviolence” so got-dang appealing? Its because we’re curious. Its a mirror image look at the very core of humanity. Sorry for the testosterone. I don’t mean to offend anyone with a vagina.

Fot some of us, violence is entertainment. As long as we’re not hurting anyone for real, that its all good. I beleive in that and beleive me, its something we should feed in moderation because without it, I think you’ll truly “go crazy”.

And for others, its an escape in their own head from their lack of effectively dealing with their emotions. I’ve been guilty of it, and I’m sure some of these people around me, even perhaps you are guilty of it.

As you’re running towards the door away from me, you get the nail gun and suddenly black out. You wake up and theres a nail in my head and the cops are not very happy to find my blood all over you.

In the end, yes, I do find certain people disgusting at times. Don’t worry, its not you because those certain people aren’t able to read this blog. And if they are able to, I’m sorry. For you.

HAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING. LOLZ.

Side Note. At the end of the movie, where the secretary is looking through her daily planners and finding drawings of decapitated women, sex, and whatnots.

It bear resemblance to my girlfriends drawings of lolis with their arms all cut off and legs missing or decapitated.

She gets off to that stuff(JUST KIDDING, LOVE YOU NIA) But she can’t deny the amputated legs and arms. CREEEEPY.

*cough*potcallingtheteakettleblack*cough*

Note to Self: I should probably keep chainsaws away from my girlfriend. Especially when’s she mad.

Actually, I should keep the chainsaws…away from all of you!

(Paranoia sets in)

Oh and something really cool!

What Characterizes a sociopath:

1. Do you often feel used by the person?
YES
2. Have you often felt that he (or she) doesn’t care about you?
YES
3. Does he lie and deceive you?
YES
4. Does he tend to make contradictory statements?
YES
5. Does he tend to take from you and not give back much?
YES
6. Does he often appeal to pity? Does he seem to try to make you feel sorry for him?
YES
7. Does he try to make you feel guilty?
YES
8. Do you sometimes feel he is taking advantage of your good nature?
YES
9. Does he seem easily bored and need constant stimulation?
YES
10. Does he use a lot of flattery? Does he interact with you in a way that makes you feel flattered even if he says nothing overtly complimentary?
NO
11. Does he make you feel worried? Does he do it obviously or more cleverly and sneakily?
yes and cleverly and sneakily
12. Does he give you the impression you owe him?
Yes
13. Does he chronically fail to take responsibility for harming others? Does he blame everyone and everything but himself?
Yes and Yes.

Sounds like my last relationship! ZING. lol, but i ain’t like that anymore, i promise. That was me almost..3 or 4 years ago. Now I’m a changed man. WHAT? WHY SO SRS?

But honestly, when I look at that list, I have all these tendencies. So, for example, when I feel like I’m using a person I try hard to make it fair and tell them. Back in that relationship I definitely took more from her than I gave back (if anything). I often appealed to pity, and made them feel sorry for me…

But most of these things I’ve changed, or if I catch myself doing them, I try to stop myself as much as possible cause my conscience is much stronger than it was back then, which I’m glad for.

But well yeh. That’s all. Tell me if you read it, sorry if it’s too long.

Hip Hop Saved My Life, And Magical School Girls Made It Better

No not really, Its just a song to one of my favorite Lupe Fiasco songs. But when I decided the music that my dad listened to became lame, I decided to delve in the world of hip hop at the tender age of 10. This was the first time I ever developed a musical taste. Something away from my dad’s constant 80’s and early 90’s music. From then on, I got into techno and trance music…then A crap load of Anime Music

LUPE FIASCO  – HIP HOP SAVED MY LIFE

At around at the age of 7 however (backtracking), i remember really liking a song to a game that had a japanese theme song. And I loved its melodic adventuring music. That was my first exposure to japanese music.  So at around 11, right when I was getting into things like Outkast and other main stream hip hop music at the time, I downloaded my first .mp3 file. But it was from an anime website that I happen to come along. I didn’t have napster so i couldn’t download the songs i heard of the radio. But This was an interesting alternative. So I ended up with my first mp3. The song was the opening theme song for “Magical Knight Rayearth”. I never watched the series because I didn’t know where to get it. But I got the opening theme song and I instantly fell in love.
Naomi Tanemura – Yuzurenai Negai. Magic Knight Rayearth First Opening theme. First Song I ever downloaded, ever.

I was slowly getting into anime, due to my recent upgrade from antenna to cable. I also had modem internet for the first time as well. It was an exciting time. I quickly downloaded napster and downloaded Outkast’s Miss Jackson. It took 45 minutes for a 3.5 mb song, but it was definitely exhillarating.

Outkast – Ms. Jackson. First ever not japanese song I ever downloaded

and within 3 months, I had an impressive collection of 17 songs.

So in my early preteens, my musical taste comprised of mainstream hip hop, Anime theme songs, and some pop songs on the radio.
getting into my teens, I started to listen to more techno. My friends and I went through a big techno revolution. Things like “Baby you’re all that I want” was very popular among my friends of I.
DJ Sammy – Heaven

Through middle school, Techno and Hip Hop, and ganster rap were very popular…I tried to get into some of that stuff but the sound of rapping coming from me didn’t sound to great. I even got into the whole beating-on-the-desk fad. It was interesting, but in the end I still loved making beats.

But hidden deep under that and in the closet, My anime theme song obsession grew. It started to branch to Jpop and songs that were song by the voice actors and stuff…I actually started to try and pick up japanese. The first song I learned/memorized in Japanese was “My Will” sung by Dream. It was the first ending theme song to Inuyasha. I learned alot of my japanese pronunciation in it and it eventually inspired me to want to take Japanese.

DREAM – MY WILL. First Inuyasha Ending Theme song. First Song I ever memorized in Japanese.

Then when i got into high school, the music I got grew in that direction till I remember starting to get into rock. It was probably due to the influence that my high school was much more white washed then my middle school. I was in the semi wannabe ghetto areas when i grew up, but right when i went to high shcool, it suddenly became “white washed”. (not really, but thats what the people from my old side of town called that place). I started listening to music like My Chemical Romance and stuff >_>. But one band I really liked back

At first I listened to them seriously (My Chemical Romance)…but then me and my brother began to make fun of emo stuff…and found it a blast to sing in the car together on random trips.

Then Songs like these, i liked. And No, i didn’t like it because it had my name in the band.
REGGIE AND THE FULL EFFECT – GET WELL SOON

When I met my gf when we weren’t going out yet, she got me interested in even heavier rock music, particularly japanese music. She was into bands like Dir en Grey back then. When I first heard this music, I thought it was crap. But a few months later, I thought it was the most awesome thing ever. I started getting into other music in that section. You know, a little bit of what a hot topic kid would listen to, and a little bit of what  goth kids would listen to, and a little bit of what japanese visual kei fans would listen to.

DIR EN GREY – OBSCURE. First video I ever liked by them. Guess what the (moral) message is.

ANTI ABORTION. Just watch it.

Hip hop sorta took a back burner position, and i played around with bands like this. I liked this stuff, while my jpop and anime theme song genres kept burning on. At that time I was into bands like Alice Nine, and Dir en Grey etc. Malice Mizer was among my favorites to listen to as well. I can sing Beast of Blood pretty well

MALICE MIZER – BEAST OF BLOOD

Getting out of high school, I got into happier alternative crazy dressing up people rock. Oshare Kei became something I liked and I got into bands like “antique cafe” Which was still quite rock, but happy rock that kinda combined what I loved about jpop and anime themes, and put em to energetic rock.
Awhile into college, I repicked up Hip Hop by listening to stuff like Atmosphere. I really liked his stuff because it was really quite strange because the lyrics were so different from commercial hip hop that had overtaken a lot of what was on the radio. I loved making poems; and the people who always read em told me it was like I could sing it to a rap. So underground rap that talked about alot of different things appealed to massively.

AN CAFE – WAGAMAMA KOUSHINKYOUKU

And now, Im beginning to like really underground hip hop. At the same time, 80’s songs started to make appeal to me…along with the classic songs from the beatles, and from people from around that time..Electric Light Orchestra…. My Jpop genre is making a progression towards cute sounding music… My rock is all over the place and all over the globe. And I’m loving old 90’s rap like tupac and Nas…

TUPAC – CHANGES

One exception that probably go against my search for alternative, strange, cute, ugly, music…I really like songs with awesome beats and awesome melodies. But I really like violent rap music. Not necessarily gansta music, but songs like “Hit em Up” by Tupac. Not senseless violence either but just something that expressive and made with the utmost sincere intention. Then I like rap that tells a story.

TUPAC -HIT EM UP

And then after that, I start listening to stuff like Moon Kana. I love it when 33 year old women try to sound like 14 year old girls. LOL.

In other words, my musical taste now…its a definitely a odd mix.

here’s another great one by Atmosphere…

Yes. there is a such thing as intelligent rap…

But then i go off and contradict myself with crap like this.

WHAT? Tom Cruise Danced to it in Tropical thunder and its probably the only reason why I like it.

To eat, or not to eat.

No this isn’t gonna turn into an ana blog. And no, i do not have crippling eating disorders, only slight (NOT…).

Should I eat my roommates food? I mean…he’s never here. Creepily never here. He comes at the most random times and leaves at the most random times. In fact he just randomly walked out of his room while i was talking about something quite private to my girlfriend.

STRANGE DESU.

There are berries in the fridge that have been there for almost a month. Im pretty sure the mold has about completely digested the remains. Its really disgusting. But its whatever. I don’t like seeing food go to waste…and If Im gonna spend the money for food..yet see this food here remain relatively untouched…What is a poor, kniving college student to do?

DISASTER AREAS

My first thought when Ike was coming in last week was that it would be pretty bad ass.

There were three reasons I wanted to be down in Houston when it hit.

1) i’ve never been through a fully blown hurricane. I can’t remember typhoons in the Phillipines when i was a kid. I remember lots and lots of wind and rain but never the visceral impact I’d expect from a “real hurricane”. Truthfully, I really wanted to go outside of my house at the peak of the storm and see if i can survive it!

2) i wanted to be with the fam. I feel like things like Hurricanes and natural disasters are humbling of people, and it draws them close. Its a feeling that I wanted to experience with them together. Kinda weird, I know. but yeh

3) I wanted to go and see if I can pick random peoples crap up. The Katrina people inspired me, but only jokingly so. So no looting…though theoretically, that would’ve be interesting.

As Ike loomed closer, I found myself watching the news quite a bit. For most people, it was because they were curious. Perhaps momentarily curious. And thats what most people gave it, atleast, the people around me.

But I noticed, in the midsts of people around here, I found myself glued to the TV,while the others from other places never really had anything invested into it was a momentary fancy for them.

One death is a tragedy, yet a million death’s is a statistic. It just gets a little weird to think that I didn’t really care about Katrina. I’m not from New Orleans. But when the city I grew up in gets hit by something like that It made me a little sad, and much appreciative of the things I have in that city.

Sure, Houston is a bit a s**thole, as people will tell me. But you know what, its my s**t hole and im proud of it. lol.

I guess thats what I had to say. That and I want to come back and to see the place…see how much its changed. Everytime I come back, without a disaster, I feel like the place has changed a little bit without me and it makes me a little sad. But I’m expecting things will FEEL drastically different the next time I come back.

My moms said not to come back till things are stable. Hopefully, I’ll be down there next weekend…

Here’s to hoping you guys have power, a source of eats, and hoping that your houses weren’t screwed over.

My family said the house wasn’t hit too bad. Just the bug screens and the fences were blown down/away. But for some people in my neighborhood…not too lucky. Some of them cypresswood trees sticking out of their roofs and whatnot…

But oh well.

Online Count of Hours

Man oh man. Since tuesday afternoon i’d say i average about 4-5 hours of internet use a day. I watch alot of stuff…

so far, probably 15 hours at the moment.

and since its heading towards the weekend…i might up my usage since its my leisure days.

Ok here’s an update on how many hours i’ve spent online…30-35 hour range doesn’t seem too bad. Does it not? I think my old average is still pretty accurage. 4-5 hours online everyday…yeh, that sounds about right…

Growing Up Online. Dun Dun Dun.

I felt as if growing up online documentary was reactionary. As if it wanted to scare older people, none the wiser to internet, into being afraid of the internet. But i’m thinking that this is just my own defensive mechanism kicking in so that i could feel better.

But reviewing it, i can see the potential that those people were talking about to happen.

I’d say, Im an internet veteran. I’ve seen everything and anything the internet has to offer. So I’m not naive. But I can understand where the fear can stem from when it comes to people who are just being introduced to the internet. Or use misuse it, or abuse it, or even fail to realize the reprocussions of their actions online.

some of the stories were sad, but i think that many of those could’ve prevented. So in this sense I think the special they did was good in informing people…even though it felt a little sensationalist.

My Hwk

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Sewing Machines

I’m looking into some sewing machines because my old Brother sewing machine is quickly slowing me down.

This led me upon a journey to see which were good sewing machines. Last night i started to search for different brands, quickly figuring out what to get and what not to get.  My research tells me to stay away from Singer sewing machines because the company’s manufacturing standards have slipped ever since they were taken by another company.  Any Singer sewing machine older than 25yrs old would be good, but younger than that, and you might see your machine at the shop quite a bit.

So from there, I was instantly attracted to some of the most exotic sewing machines. Husqvarna Viking and Janome came up on top, eventually.

I went out to try these sewing machines at different stores today and it was pretty intersting. I felt so incredibly giddy as i sewed 9 layers of denim fabric right on top of each other, and when i made my first one step button holes.

My cosplays are gonna thank me for this…but once i get enough money. Im looking at machines that are roughly in the 250-300 dollar range…

We’ll see..

Also, I was looking at this one old used machine that seemed to date back to the early 70’s

it ran quite well and it was all metal construction. Something about that appealed to the deeper manlier side of me. It was like…a POWER TOOL. That’s what it was.

And for me, this search for high performance equipment to encourage my sewing habits…it appeals to both sides of me.

So when it comes down to it, there are two sewing machines, or three if you want to count that used one i was eyeing for 200 bucks.

There is the Husqvarna Viking Sewing machine, made in Sweden. its called the Emerald 116, and its considered a basic work horse of a sewing machine. The lady was telling me that they never get any of these back cause the people who buy ‘em just love em too much.

Then there is the Janome Sew Precise, which has a little more functions for a little bit cheaper, i’d say in store it was 300. The Viking Sewing machine was 320, and the floor model, which i wouldn’t mind getting, was 300 bucks…

I’m not sure which to get, but i’ll let the money crop up first and then i’ll let myself decide. Its a hard choice because I got to play with the Janome and sewed it, and i really really liked the way it felt. Really smooth.  But i could tell that the Viking Sewing machine was and smoother, though not as fancy (thought not by very much) as the the Janome.

The Janome pulls me practically…but I was dreaming. Yes dreaming about the Husqvarna yesterday…and I think my gut is telling me to go get the Viking

EDIT:

Apparently, The cheaper end Viking’s are made in taiwan. They are rebranded Janome’s X_X. So i think i might either go with the Janome, or that old viking turissa i saw… If the price is negotiable on the used machine, then im going the used. it did what i wanted it to do Plus..i heard a little voice inside of it calling for me….>_>